Got My Gold Seal!

It’s official! My long awaited divorce is final! I know it’s probably not politically correct to appear jubilant after a divorce but my celebratory mood is motivated by the knowledge that I have undoubtedly started a new chapter in my life.

The reality of moving away from something that was apparently not working in any way, shape, or form presents opportunities for unfettered life planning. The sky is the limit!

Although you may be able to mentally put a period at the end of a situation, until you can actually declare its existence in a historical sense, there is always the thought in your mind that Murphy’s Law will delay it from happening.

But with the love of the special one’s around you and an optimistic outlook on life, no matter how long it may take for your opportunity to close one chapter and plunge into the next, time can pass quickly and make the new life you’ve come into even more precious than you may have ever realized before.

So I now look at the document signed and sealed by the courts and see life! Not the 15 years gone but the many, many new ones ahead.

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Love Without Fear

When we met for the very first time, I hoped that we would at least turn out to be friends. I never dreamed that you would not only turn out to be my best friend but also the man who would show me how to love again without fear and reservation.

You are the perfect man for me. You make me feel beautiful and loved every day that we are together. You share my hopes, my dreams. You dance with me, you laugh with me. When you hold me in your arms I know there is nothing we can’t accomplish together.

Andre, thank you for loving me and making me so happy.

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Sex

Over the years, I’ve come to realize that Sex in not a dirty word. Its okay to show a little clevage, a little leg and to even wear red shoes.

Let me give you a little background. I was raised that good girls didn’t do a long list of things, like wear red shoes. Only bad or promiscuous girls did such things. So, I was very conservative with the way I dressed and felt bad about enjoying sex. (Yes, my mom royally screwed my head up about everything involving sex but she did her best in trying to raise a respectable young lady).

To make matters worse, I was married to a man, who in his mine’s eye wanted to think I was a virgin when we met, even though I have a 2 year old. Whenever, I attempted to explore my, let’s say “freaky side,” I would get curious looks and questions like, where did you learn that, as if I was doing something wrong or inappropriate. (Fast forward about 12 years into the marriage, he wants to know why I’m so conservative in the bedroom . . . Are you f’ing kidding me?)

No wonder, as an adult woman in her sexual prime, I find that I often times have difficulty expressing my sexual desires. I’m not sure why its difficult to put my fantasies and desires into words. I feel like my partner would be open and receptive to my wants and desires.

I once heard someone on some talk show say that every sexual encounter with your partner should be like ”porn sex.” The kind of sex that few people, especially woman, want to admit to doing.

I think that is what I desire, hot kinky porn sex each and every time my Man takes me in his arms. But how do we manage to make it happen every time, when time is limited or we are tired from a hectic day or long night?

I think the first, well the second step, is to communicate with my partner. The first step was trying to figure out what I wanted.

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A Learning Experience

I hope he knows and understands that I love him.

I get stressed, overwhelmed, anxious and moody. Its not because of him, its because of my financial situation and my ever more demanding weekly schedule.

I really appreciate his offers to help with my monthly expenses but I can not except. I have to get myself back on track and stand on my own two feet without assistance. However, I do accept his generous offers of home cooked meals. I just can resists them. He’s a great cook. His cooking dinner during the week has helped ease my burden tremendously. Its one less thing I have to do and think about most days.

I have come to realize that I must be happy, so we can be happy as a couple and lately I’ve been less than happy. I feel like I’m drowning between work, cooking, cleaning and keeping up w/my son’s ever more demanding boxing schedule. I just have to find more time for me. I miss having alone time to read, sleep, watch TV, listen to music, stare at the walls, etc.

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365 Days Ago…

I remember that I was talking to my best friend on the phone while driving home. My brother phoned me cutting in on my conversation. His call for some reason seemed odd. He must have felt something. I drove up to my house to find many things out of place. Overturned planters in the front yard. Shredded paper streaming out the side door to the house. And my neighbor telling me my cat was outside trying to get in my back door.

The first two oddities seemed explainable but the cat outside…noway! I immediately replied “that’s not my cat. Couldn’t be. My cat is strictly an indoor cat.”

Investigation revealed he was right and I was confused. Confused right up to the moment he filled me in. You see a large moving van had just left my home and the cat was left outside in haste. Or perhaps he escaped a potential kidnapping. I walked away from my neighbor with keys in hand and him still enjoying himself A’s he couldn’t wait to describe all the details. It was quite evident this was his true motivation for greeting me as I arrived home. It had nothing to do with the cat. He was simply a lead-in.

As I walked through the front door I saw my home trashed. And all I could do was let out a big sigh and say…”Finally!”

Now it’s time to work toward that day when I can rebuild from scratch. No complaining. Just living. I said from the beginning of the end I was prepared to lose it all. A empty house was a blessing as far as I was concerned.

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Unhealthy Relationships

It has been a couple of weeks since I deleted my so-called friends from my life. No phone calls from them as to the who, what, where, when and why of my life. No more hater remarks because I’m doing things with my family and significant other.

Its funny how we don’t realize how unhealthy some relationships are until we get out of them. There were times I actually believed I was being a bad friend because I didn’t have the funds, the energy or desire to hang out. However, now that I have had the opportunity to stand back and look at the situation I realize I did nothing wrong. I was always available for phone calls & texts. When my assistance was requested, I was there. I unconditionally tried to provide understand and support.

I, on the other hand, now realize that I was not getting the same level of support and understanding from my so-called friends as I was giving to them.

I was disappointed but now I’m just relieved. The burden of those unhealthy friendships were like ominous clouds that kept the sunlight from shining through. Now my days are lighter and brighter.

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Disappointment

During the final years of my marriage I was so unhappy and unfulfilled. I couldn’t wait until my divorce was final. I was so excited about officially starting over that I went out with friends the night of my divorce hearing to celebrate.

Life immediately after divorce was a little scary because of my financial situation. However, my friends were supportive, encouraging and helped take my mind off my troubles. I thought I had everything I needed, the love & support of my family and friends, a career and, what seem very important at the time, my home. As time passed, I realized I was missing something. Although I didn’t know it at the time, I found what I was missing at a place called Teavole.

Life was great; I was happier and more relaxed. However, some of my friends, those who I expected to be the happiest for me and the most supportive, were full of harsh comments and criticisms about my new relationship. They began to treat me differently. I still don’t truly understand why. I’ve asked why . . . was there something about him that I didn’t see . . . was there something about me when I was with him . . . I never got an answer, just a flippant response.

I so was overwhelmed with disappointment when I realize that some of the people I considered friends weren’t really friends at all. :’(

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